::Fairy On The Moon::

..im just trying to act ignorant..so i can hide my own pain. ..do u not think it rains behind a wallpaper of sunshine?

i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry
i will not cry

they say pain is a learning tool. its jabbing me hard. i must be getting pretty educated by now. i thought i learned to numb my emotions. and i thought i already built enough walls around my heart so i could protect myself from the darts that came sailing my way. but no wall would be strong enough and hign enough

my foundations are crumbling and im crashing on top of myself. im crashing, smashing and falling into a heap on the ground. i am rubble. i am ruined. and i am back to where i started of as. nothing. nothing . nothing
nothing will ever ever ever be enough to hide my heart
to protect the wellspring from which my emotions run from.

yes..cruelty can suck u dry.
yes .mum said the world was a cruel place
and its true
how i will never be good enough
never be good enough for this world

i can say that imperfection is beautiful.
and perfection is as false as the sugar coated dreams that hang in grotesque clumps in mouldy darkened closet.
but who am i lying to?
i am just deluding myself
bbecoz imperfection is ugly. ugly . ugly
nobody wants to be imperfect
i know it coz im imperfect
and i certainly dont want it. i rather wrap myself up in honey...and present this face to the world..then open my heart and let pple see wads within

..and then they start digging and digging and digging
when u get past the flesh.then u touch a vein
and then u squeeze a blood vessel. maybe two. and three...and then four
till blood runs out like a red river washing my life away with it
u kill me with ur words
u decapitate me with ur malice

and u hate me so much
and u hate me so much
but why?
i doubt hate you
my heart has not enuff space to contain this malice that spews from ur mouth.
yes. im talking abt this world. this life.
i rather be THERE
then to be HERE
becoz theres not enough space for me HERE

even if i cried myself dry
till i shrivelled up like a prune
it would never be enough right?
i could use an eraser and rub right through my life
but the marks would still be there
and i would only create a bigger hole
i could rub a little harder just to rid of the ugly handwriting
but at the end i would just tear the paper.
and nothing would ever erase the ugly handwriting

its alot like a scab
you r curious
it itches
it irritates
u wanna get rid of it
and u scratch..u peel .u try to rid of it
..and u scratch harder
and harder
and harder
and it comes off.
and it starts bleeding..and bleeding and bleeding.
blood runs dry.
to reveal a thin layer that never quite heals.

then u r scarred for life

the way i am scarred forever

i could run
but id never run fast enough
i could hide
but eventually id be found
i could scream
but in would come hoarse
i could .
but i can't

misery rains upon me like torrents and floods
i see some sunshine. but its just a reflection
i understand that it is nothing real.

i have failed and i admit
i dun deserve this life
and i noe
but dont punish me this way
make me beg
throw me into prison
and slice my skin with a thousand cuts
anything

but not this way
please no.

u noe why i act ignorant?
because i dont wanna noe
i want the truth yet the truth hurts so much
i want the truth but i can't take it
i hate lies but i love its comfort
i crave for truth but i can't stomach it
its alot like being bulemic when u gorge on the truth so much u just regurgitate everything. i want it. but i can't accept it
i try to be self deluded
i would even convince myself i am psychotic
anything to avoid the painful revelation

dun misunderstand me
i am jus someone tryin to find out who i am.

dawn fairy on the moon at 3/12/2004

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

YUZHEN! yuZHEN! i noe u will never read this but URGH! SOUTH EASt ASIAN STUDIESSSSS!!!! ARGH WHY WHY WHY WHY!!! YUZHEN!

* i shall control myself*

i incoherent and i know it.

hello...can u ask ur Boyfren to quit bothering me. frankly he has the same laxative effect on me...he irritates the crap out of me. i mean i dun even noe this person and he keeps insulting me..hello? im not his punching bag? i mean maybe he has issues but Gee...i wish he'd stop venting it on me. i only wish some people wld stop talking as thought they really know me so well...when the fact is they don't even know me after all. yes i choose to be ignorant..i can only hope that makes him happy. i mean frankly i wonder if it makes him a happier person to make someone feel bad...yeah just like the black magpies of the sky who feast upon another's tears to feel satiated with joy. a joy self derived from another's pain. As cruel, but yet as instinctive as a vulture feeding upon dead flesh

i dont know you..u r but a stranger to me..like a blank piece of paper..and im clueless..as why u talk as if u noe me...and the point is you don't after all. u ask me why i wont bare all and lie vulnerable . yea. becoz if i do..people like you would easily scald my skin with caustic acid..and i will just burn and writhe in self -made pain. i say what i say does not make sense, but what do you know. it makes perfect sense to me..even if it is foreign to you. yes i cover myself with skins and clothes because i don't want peopl like you to hurt me. The tears in my eyes burn like salt upon e wounds of my heart..yeah i spit my words out ..and move my mouth forming vowels but what makes u think i really speak to you? what make you really think im speaking. u keep thinking u understand who i am..but then if you do then u will just let me be.

you keep trying to bring me back to shore
but yet you don't realise you pull me deeper back into the ocean
you keep telling me u pull me above the surface
but i only find myself sinking deeper into the deep chasm of the oceans..
falling deeper into this unamed abyss.

i may seem strange to you
but then you seem strange to me.
its only as strange as it gets

if i stripped now
id let people like you toy with my mind
maybe the reason why i saying this , is coz somewhere along the way ive already given u access
i need a new password to keep you away
so go
and so please leave me alone
even if im down in 13 shades of blurry grey
i rather drink drink drink drink this wine
then allow myself to be poisoned with ur words

had a talk with GS today. We were talkin abt the movie "big fish" and somehow again we ended up in the same topic we started out from as usual. everything somehow always circles around THE TOPIC. hm.

after alot of psychoanalysis..im finally trying to come clean abt certain issues although unwilling..and im a self deluded individual trying to delude myself into thinking im not self deluded. that makes me self deluded times two right?

A ..i admit im trying not to be so close to u..im trying to put this invisible gap between us..coz i know once we get close..everything is gonna happen again. so in order to prevent a catastrophic repetition..i need to do this before i get sucked in again and its too late

GS..thanks you for the wake up call. i guess i saw you as a substitute. u admitted u were not the right candidate..and it was screwed up abt how i projected someone else onto you..hoping that you could be that someone else. oh i didnt realise my folly at doing so. im so sorry..so sorry for believing i could make u into someone that i wanted to..but i didnt see u as someone seperate..no consideration abt how different u were..

tho i may hav tried hard and i failed
but i will keep trying trying trying.

dawn fairy on the moon at 3/03/2004